DMV Tyrant

BEGIN RANT NOW: WARNING - This post is long and full of naughty language. You have been warned!!

~~Edited To Add: I finished writing this long as post and I went to hit “publish” and the page came back with “Blogger is down for maintenance for 1 hour”. Fortunately I always copy and paste my posts before publishing because I hate losing them. ~~

To the workers at the El Cerrito DMV, I hate you. I hate you so much. I loathe you really. Thank you for making my morning crappy. Thank you for allowing me to waste 3 hours with what could have easily taken 20 minutes. I appreciate all of your non-help. Thanks and hope to see you soon! Kiss kiss. Ford should add this to his list of big/small stuff to hate.

As you might have guessed, I spent my morning at the DMV. Someone thought it would be a fun idea to require students seeking resident status to get a new drivers license. So last week I made my appointment like a good little boy and I woke up this morning full of optimism for the day.

Now I should say that some of the delay, annoyance, and overall crapitude was my fault. It was my fault that I did not get my car smogged yesterday and waited until this morning to do it. My bad.

When I woke up I realized I needed to have it smogged so I figured I could just stop somewhere on the way to the DMV. I see a SMOG test sign and pull in. It's a used car lot that happens to have a smog machine. There is only 1 car waiting and the guy says it will only take 10 minutes. At this point I have plenty of time so I say that I'll be happy to wait.

Then I get a sense of foreboding that I should just get in my car and leave. But I didn't. It took 45 minutes for the car in front of me to get smogged. I thought perhaps CA has stricter emissions standards and so requires a more comprehensive test or something, right? Who knows. Then the guy says it will be $69. This is when I know for SURE that I should have left. Then as he's writing the price on the smog receipt, he scribbles it out and writes $70. Not that big of a deal so I don't say anything. But I feel like I'm getting ripped off. A smog test can't cost $70 can it? The guy said something about out of state fees. Maybe he figures because I'm from NV he can rip me off.

I guess that's the price I pay for waiting 30 minutes before my appointment to get it done. So 45 minutes later my car is smogged. Hey, he was right. It did only take 10 minutes. Go figure.

Ok, I'm a little annoyed at this point, but more at myself than anything else. I get to the DMV, it's still only 10am. Only 30 minutes late for my appointment. As I'm pulling into the driveway I see a line out the door. HOLY FUCK. I park my car and get in line. There was only one line that I could see....I can see a sign inside that says "Line starts here for appointments and non-appointments." So I figured I'm in the right line and stay where I am.

But no, there was a separate EMPTY line inside for people with appointments. I waited in the wrong line for 45 minutes because I couldn't even see inside. Again, probably my fault for not finding out. I get up to the window and explain that I need a license and registration. The girl gives starts to give me a number but then asks if I have had my car verified (they check the ID number or some other bullshit outside). I say no. I didn't know I had to do that first. FUCK. So she tells me to go get it done and then come back and stand in the line for appointments. Ok, at least I won't have to wait in that long line, which is still out the door.

I go get in my car, drive it around and wait in another line of people sitting in their cars. Of course they are all there to take the driver's test. I only need to have someone look at the VIN on my car.

Finally I'm able to pull into the line for verification and wait about 15 minutes for someone to come look at my car....."Sir, you may need to go to the California Highway Patrol." Oh fuck me. Apparently there is supposed to be 2 places on the car where the VIN is located. One was on the dashboard. Perfect. The other was supposed to be on the inside of the car door. But it's not. THANK JEEBUS she decided to look in the trunk because that's where the 2nd number was located. I was going to scream if I had to leave and go to the CHP.

So she gives me the verification, I find parking and go back inside and stand in the appointment line. My heart drops into my stomach. The woman who was at the counter has gone to lunch and is replaced by a bitchy woman. "Do YOU have an appointment?"

I explain that I was told to go get my car verified and come back to this line. "But your forms are not filled out." Keep in mind she is talking in a really bitchy tone of voice like she couldn't give a fuck about the people who have been waiting in line.

I explain again that I was told to go outside and didn't have time to fill out the form. (Actually, I had the form for my car registration filled out, just not the one for my driver's license). She reluctantly gives me a number and tells me I better have the forms filled out before I am called.

I fill out my form and realize she may not have understood that I was going to do 2 transactions. So I go get back in the appointment line and when she sees me she gives me a look of death. I ask if I need a separate number to get my driver's license and she says "No, not as long as you have all your forms filled out." Thank you. I didn't understand the first time you said that. I am so sorry that you had to get out of bed today and come into work. But since you made that choice, please try to have a little courtesy, like the kind I am giving you even though you are being a total bitch.

Ok, things are looking good from here. I have my forms, my birth certificate, insurance card, etc. My number is called, my heart leaps. I'm finally going to get out of here!

I walk to the window and give her my number and start to hand her forms. Uh oh. She's not happy. Apparently this is the express window. For one transaction only. I have 2 transactions. Her supervisor tells her to send me back to the desk. Thankfully she does not. She begins processing my car registration. "That will be $83 for the registration." I go to hand her my credit card..."Cash or check only." Holy Fucking JEEBUS. Why did I leave my check book at home? I have cash in my wallet, maybe it's enough. No, of course it's not.

She tells me where the nearest ATM is located and gives me back my info. She says that I can come back to the appointment line and gives me a new express ticket.

At this point I really want to cry and throw a chair. I've now spent almost 2 hours at the DMV and accomplished absolutely nothing. I find an ATM, get cash and drive back. I get back in the appointment line, hand the stack papers with the new ticket to the bitchy woman at the desk and she sends me to another window.

Ok, now we're good, right? "Do you have your old license plates?" I really wanted to laugh at her and say "You're kidding me, right?" No one told me I had to take the plates off my car. She hands me a screw driver and I go out and take my plates off.

Success, finally. She processes my registration, gives me my new plates and collects my $83. Now I just need to do the driver's license. "Do you have a birth certificate?" I was dreading another question, but yes, I did have one. Right here in fact.....no it's not right here. Is it in the stack I handed to you? No? Hmm, let me check in my envelope...no envelope is empty. Oh I was going to shoot someone if I had lost my birth certificate in all the running around they made me do.

Another trip back to the car. My heart skips a beat as I look into the car window and don't see it on the seat. I open the door and find it on the floor almost under the seat.

Back inside, I give her the birth certificate. But she doesn't like the way it looks. Oh lady, please don't do this to me. I think it was my original birth certificate so its old and the ink is brown and the parchment taped. She shows it to a co-worker who has no problem with it. "I'll sign off on it." The co-worker says. I could have kissed her...except for the whole kissing girls being gross part.

She processes my application and sends me to get my picture taken. I sign the box, get my thumbprint and take my picture. "Let's try that again, there is glare from your glasses. Try putting your head down a little." So I tilt my head down and smile. Flash. "That's better." She shows me a print-out of the picture. I have this evil look on my face because my head it tilted. But I don't want to be here any longer so I tell her it's fine.

She sends me to do the written driving test. I was a little nervous because I only read through the driver's manual last night. There were a few questions I had to guess on but in the end I just relied on common sense. What would make sense to do in that situation. I passed! But not only that, I didn't miss any questions. Yay!

Now I'm expecting to be sent to another window to get my license so I can finally get out of this god forsaken hell hole. "Your license will arrive in about 3 weeks. Until then you can use your old license and this paper." He gave me a piece of paper that said "Temporary License" on it. I don't even have a real CA license after all that. FUCK YOU DMV. And then he punched a hole in my old license. I thought I was supposed to surrender my license?

I wasn't going to argue. I took the piece of paper and my license plates and left. Or so I thought. I realized that I shouldn't drive without any plates on my car even if I was only 10 minutes from home. I reluctantly return to the DMV and ask to borrow a screw driver. The woman asks to have my license to hold. Ok, fine. Take my license and I'll be right back. Did she think I was going to kill someone or steal the screw driver? It's not like she doesn't have my name and address on file.

So I go put my plates on my car, go back inside and find that she is no longer at her desk. I probably would have snapped if she had gone to lunch. But no, about 5 minutes later she returns and gives me my license. I should have plunged the screw driver into her eye.

Mateo, do you remember the DMV Tyrant scene? I started laughing on my 3rd trip back to my car because I remembered that.

All in all a really crappy morning. Next time I will be prepared. But now I want to go throw up and maybe lie down for a while. But I have too much else to do.