The More You Know

I'm working on this assignment where I have to file a trademark application for a client.

As part of the application, you have to state what goods or services are going to be connected to the trademark. The US Patent & Trademark Office has a convenient list (over 200 pages long) of potential services.

So I was skimming them, trying to find ones that might pertain to our client. Along the way I came across some peculiar ones and thought I would share. The first thing to note is how fucking redundant a lot of them are. They list several ones that say the same thing using different words. That's the governemnt for you. Now for your enjoyment:

Cafe services, namely, providing cafe services in a funeral home environment - Yes because after burying grandma, you want to go to the lobby and have a cappucino. Cafe services in a funeral home, really?

Cemetery plot beautification and maintenance and continual upkeep of family cemetery plots - I just think it's funny that someone would trademark a name or even have a company for that matter for plot beautification. Because you care enough to have your loved ones grave cleaned, just not enough to go and do it yourself.

Colonic treatments, namely, irrigation of the colon for cleansing purposes by injecting large amounts of fluid high into the colon - This was funny because of how descriptive it was, you know, just in case you didn't know what a colonic was.

Conducting day programs for the elderly and adults with physical and mental challenges, namely, coffee clubs in the nature of social conversations while having coffee - This is worded strangely and what is the service exactly? You go and have coffee with disabled old people and chat?

Consulting services in the field of feng shui - I want to be a feng shui consultant. Like the time April told me that I would probably wake up dead because of the bad feng shui in her apartment.

Diaper cleaning - This speaks for itself

The next two are examples of redundancy. What's the difference between trash and waste? Yes, we dipose of trash but not waste and vice versa?
Disposal of trash
Disposal of waste
Disposal of waste and trash

Escorting travelers - And there's clearly a difference between escorting travelers and escroting of travelers. One's a prostitute and the other's a helpful guide to lost people on vacation.
Escorting of travelers

Forecasting services in the nature of fortune telling - Like Miss Cleo!

Garbage collection [trash pickup only]- as opposed to garbage collection, like stamp collecting. For people who collect garbage.

Manhole monitoring services - hee!

Mummification services - there's really a company that mummifies people (or animals?) WTF!?

Paranormal investigation services - Ghostbusters!

Placement services for a pets when the owner dies and there is no one to care for the pet and subsequent monitoring of the care provided for the pet - Again this is awkward wording and kinda funny.

Providing a motivational website the primary mission of which is to spread laughter and smiles, and to raise awareness to the issue of suicide and provide support for people suffering with depression - Ok, the suicide awareness part is serious, but a website whose mission it is to spread "laughter and smiles"? So instead of killing yourself you should just giggle more.

Providing both in-person and on-line vibrational energy healing services - I don't even want to know what vibrational energy healing services are or how it can be done over the internet

Providing laser therapy for treating nicotine addiction and aiding in weight loss - This is also one of my favorites. How does laser thereapy treat weight loss or smoking? If you don't quit, we'll burn you with this laser! AHHHH!

Providing long-distance energy healing services - again I don't even know what this is but I think it's funny that someone would trademark it.